an unwritten life

i’m crying in the back room, with the water running. keep it together, keep it together. or perhaps just fall apart. i can’t do this anymore. i’m trying to pretend everything is alright but my acting is starting to come apart like a poorly stitched doll. we’ll see how much longer i’ll last. make a wager, i’m betting it won’t be long. this is such a joke. while i descend into failure my surrounding friends are finding success in all that they do. i can’t even be happy, when told the good news i tend to just find myself feel the urge to cry. i am happy for them though, that’s the part that makes it worse. i feel like i’m damaging their joy by my sorrow. what is it though? what is this foreign emotion that i’ve been dealing with? is it jealousy? bitterness? i thought it knew both of them rather well, but this time i’m starting to wonder if we’ve even met.

to be honest i just feel like i’m going to be abandoned. like i’m going to be that sad friend that every friend group has. the one that works the awful job and always complains about life and money. the one that ends up alone and bitter. i don’t want to be that person. i don’t want to bring everyone down with me. i wish i had the courage to say when, i guess i’m just afraid to give up so i continue to let down. i’m so overloaded with feelings. most of them negative. i just want to not care, but it’s great for a while and then even more overwhelming in the minutes before i fall asleep that turn into hours as i think about my predicament. when i consider how replaced i feel within my friend group, rent, car payments, phone bills. i really hate money. it’s so damn controlling.

in other, better news, my friend carrie visited for her birthday. it was wonderful to see her, we did a lot in the two days that she was here, we went to many coffee shops (five?), two good restaurants, Avatar (which i did really enjoy), a few bars for her birthday, which just made me not enjoy going out even more. it’s just overpriced and loud and i generally wish i would have stayed in with good company and a bottle of wine to be shared over an indie movie. but i think carrie enjoyed it.

last night i watched a fantastic movie, the brothers bloom, which is the best thing that i’ve seen this year, granted i haven’t seen much this year but well, it was amazing. it reminded me of pushing daisies and the fall mixed together. it was quirky, well shot, the dialogue was witty and well done (‘there is no such thing as an unwritten life, just a poorly written one.’), and well i loved it. adrian brody and rachel weisz were wonderful. see it. i would recommend it to anyone. also, away we go was fantastic and (500) days of summer was pretty good. i would really like to see the road.

jeez. i normally don’t write about movies…or music, but i did hear this band the other day called phantogram and they are also lovely, their album is yet to be released (february 9th, maybe?), but i do believe you can download (for free) ‘when i’m small‘ chad and i heard it in a record store the other day and loved it.

keep it together.